


Dancing With Myself

by lunaofthemiste



Category: Battle for London in the Air (Roleplay)
Genre: Andrew deserves better, Five!Dr.J, Gen, Luther!Andrew, Time Travel Shenanigans, Umbrella Academy AU, Wanna know what's worse than 1 Dr. J?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 23:29:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25853635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunaofthemiste/pseuds/lunaofthemiste
Summary: Stuck in the past, Doc and Andrew make a desperate play to get back to the future.
Kudos: 4





	Dancing With Myself

Andrew was only sure about a few things in his life, but one of them was that Doc was absolutely terrible at time travel. Sure, Doc could do spatial jumps with ease, but all forms of time travel ended in disaster.

The first time Doc had attempted to time travel to the future, he had gotten stuck for about forty years. It had happened when they were young, and Andrew had always wondered if there was a way the Doc could still be alive. He knew the Doc was up to some shady business during those forty years, but the Doc never talked about it.

The second time Doc successfully time traveled back to 2019, but had deaged himself to what he referred to as ‘barely an adult’. Of course, he retained his mind, so he was even more cranky than Andrew remembered.

The third time Doc took Andrew with him to the past, and left him stranded in Southwest America for three years. In that time, Andrew built himself a fairly good life, and even became a wrestler for a short time. Unfortunately, as soon as Doc showed up, his new life crumbled and Andrew found himself on the road, suspected of murder.

As much as Andrew wanted to travel back to 2019, he wasn’t willing to risk a fourth trip. 

They had attempted to obtain a briefcase several times before, but had never been successful. The briefcases were a controlled way to time travel, and was the only safe option Andrew would consider. However, encounters with a briefcase were slim to none, and Andrew had almost given up hope.

He walked into the kitchen to find Doc chugging water from a jug, which was most unlike him. “Are you okay?” He asked.

“I need to be hydrated.” Doc justified, putting the jug down and grabbing some baby powder, shoving some under his sleeves and down his pants. “This is for the itching.”

“Itching?” Andrew frowned, trying to figure out what the hell Doc meant.

“Please try and keep up, Andrew. This is all preparation. I’ve found the location of another briefcase.” Doc put the baby powder down, starting to stretch.

“Well, that’s great!”

“Unfortunately, this briefcase is guarded by the timestream’s top assassin, and it will require risking ourselves to the utmost danger to retrieve it,” Doc explained.

“Who’s the assassin?” Andrew asked. “We could take ‘em.” He and Doc had made a good team so far.

“Why, myself of course,” Doc answered smugly. “I arrived in Dallas fifteen minutes ago.”

Andrew frowned, confused. “You’re not making any sense.”

Doc rolled his eyes. “As you recall, when I worked for my previous employer, I was sent to this year on a job right before I broke my contract and traveled to 2019.”

“That’s genius - we’ll know exactly where he’ll..well, you, will be.”

“Unfortunately, you’re not supposed to exist in close proximity to yourself in the same timeline. This instance will create a paradox, so we will have to be prepared. Andrew, will you be my spotter?”

“Spotter, what is that, like a wingman?” Andrew frowned.

“No, you need to keep me on task. It’s dangerous to interact with a former iteration of oneself; it creates a paradox, you see. There will be some side effects, which could be disastrous.”

“Side effects?”

Doc nodded. “According to my former employer, the seven stages in paradox psychosis are:

  1. _Denial_
  2. _Itching_
  3. _Extreme thirst and urination_
  4. _Excessive gas_
  5. _Acute paranoia_
  6. _Uncontrolled perspiration_
  7. _Homicidal rage_.”



“Oh. Are you sure about this?” Andrew asked. “It sounds risky.”

“We are out of options, Andrew. Besides, you’ll be there to keep me on track. Whatever happens, whatever I say - we need to get that briefcase. Okay?”

“Okay.” Andrew agreed cautiously.

“Okay,” Doc nodded, heading off to do other preparations, leaving Andrew to wonder what the hell he had just agreed to.

* * *

“Are you sure about this?” Andrew asked again before entering the pub, holding the door open for the other man.

“What other choice do we have?” Doc frowned, looking around cautiously while staying close to the entrance. The pub was fairly crowded, with loud Irish music playing in the background. It wasn’t authentic, but it was close enough. “Well, there I am.” He told Andrew, who followed his eyeline to see an older man sitting at the bar, writing something. Although his hair had greyed and there was some interesting facial hair, the man was clearly another version of Doc.

“Why don’t we just grab the briefcase and run?” Andrew asked.

“Andrew, I would never let that happen. We’re trained to guard these briefcases with our lives.” Doc rolled his eyes.

“Right.”  
  
“Plus it’s the inherent paradox where this gets tricky. I’m endangering my existence just by being in the room with myself.”

“Huh - what do you mean?”

“Andrew, try to keep up. If old me doesn’t travel back to 2019 like he’s supposed to, the whole thing unravels itself. I cease to exist. Do you understand?”

“Sure.”  
  
“So our best chance is to talk with him, to _reason_ with him. He’ll understand. Trust me. I know myself...better than I know myself,” Doc shrugged, itching his neck.

Andrew gasped and pointed at Doc. “You just itched your neck! That’s stage two of paradox psychosis.”

Doc shook his head. “No, I didn’t. I didn’t itch my neck.”

“Denial is stage one.” Andrew pointed out. 

“I am fine, okay?” Doc said aggressively. “Let’s stay on task, shall we?” He said, walking towards the man at the bar.

“Wait!” Andrew grabbed Doc’s arm. “Maybe I should go first.”

“Why?”

“Well, you’ll freak him out. Bumping into your own younger doppelganger? He will lose his shit. Just...let me break the ice.” Andrew explained, smiling to hopefully convince Doc of his point.

Doc took in a nervous deep breath. “Okay.”

Andrew took in a deep breath as well and walked over to the other man. The similarities between him and Doc were remarkable, despite the apparent age difference. However, he wondered how he could be an undercover agent with such noticeable, terrible facial hair. “Anil,” he said quietly to him.

Anil looked up. “What did you just call me?”

“It’s me,” Andrew leaned in, grinning. “Andrew?”

Anil stared at him for a minute before his gaze softened. “Andrew, how did you…?”

“It’s okay. Everything is fine, I can explain. But first, I need to introduce you to somebody. Just...promise me you won’t freak out.” Andrew cut him off. The last thing he needed was another lecture from another version of Doc.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Anil asked slowly as to not raise attention.

“Uh-uh! Don’t freak out!” Andrew shook his head. “No freak outs.” When Anil showed no more signs of protest, Andrew stood up. “All right,” he said, gesturing to Doc to come over. It was truly remarkable, though it resembled a father and son reuniting more than it did two versions of the same person. They stared at each other for an uncomfortable amount of time, and Andrew started to wonder what he would do if they attacked instead of talked.

“Hey there, stranger,” Doc finally said, breaking the uneasy silence.

* * *

“Well, this is nice, isn’t it?” Andrew asked, glancing at the other two men cautiously. They were sitting at a table together, though no one seemed to be enjoying themselves. He had already had one pint and was definitely considering a second. “The three of us, together like this.”

“No,” both the doctors answered in unison.

“Somebody explain to me how it is I’m having a pint of _Guinness_ with my younger self,” Anil said.

“Older, actually,” Doc corrected. “I’m you, just three weeks older.”

“I have facial hair smarter than you,” Anil growled. “How’s that possible?”

“I can explain. You see, one hour from now, you break your current contract with your employer. I already know you’re thinking about it. All those years in the future, we never stopped trying to get back.” Doc shrugged. “Well, today, you are going to do something about it. Today, you are going to attempt to time travel to 2019. However, you are going to screw up the jump and end up in this twip of a body. I look barely old enough to drink.” He complained.

“Okay,” Anil said, farting. “Even if I was to believe you, what am I supposed to do about it, not jump?”

“No, no,” Doc shook his head. “I need you to jump. If you don’t jump, I cease to exist. What I need from you is to jump _correctly_.”

“I’m listening.”

“The first time through, I got the calculation wrong. That’s how I ended up in this body, but now, I know the correct calculation.” Doc explained, though Andrew noticed beads of sweat running down his forehead.

“What is it?”

“I’ll be glad to tell you, in exchange for that briefcase you’re holding under the table,” Doc said smugly.

Andrew nodded. “Yeah, yeah, so you go back to 2019, as planned, but this time with the right math, so you remain...you. In exchange, we get that briefcase that you no longer need.”

“Timeline restored, paradox resolved. Everyone goes on existing happily ever after.” Doc raised an eyebrow, leaning back in his seat.

Anil frowned. “That’s...quite a bit to take in.”

“What do you think?” Doc asked, absent-mindedly scratching his chest.

Andrew watched in silence for the decision. They were so close to finally making it back to 2019 and their fate lay in the hands of the person who would get them into this mess in the future.

“I think...I need to piss.” Anil said abruptly, standing up and taking the briefcases with him.

As they watched Anil leave, Andrew picked up a napkin and turned to Doc. “Well, besides the flop sweat, I think that went pretty well, am I right?” He asked, blotting some of the sweat off of Doc’s forehead.

“No, no there’s something…” Doc shook his head. “Something doesn’t feel right about this,” he confessed, shifting in his seat.

“What do you mean?” Andrew asked.

“I don’t trust him!” Doc snapped.

Andrew hesitated. “But he’s you?”

“Exactly,” Doc said, as if that cleared everything up.

“So what do you want to do now?” Andrew asked, hoping their only chance of safe return didn’t just walk out the door.

* * *

After some urging from Doc, Andrew went to go check on Anil in the bathroom. He was pleased to see that Doc hadn’t left and was simply washing his hands at the sink. When Doc made eye contact, Andrew nodded and went to one of the urinals.

Anil eventually broke the silence. “So...you lived through 2019? You know what happens?”

“Yeah, sure, but it isn’t what you would expect.” Andrew shrugged. “Why?” He asked, turning around after he had finished his business.

“This is perfect - we now know exactly what’s going to happen.” Anil

Andrew raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, but it already did.”

“Don’t think, just listen,” Anil interrupted. “Forget about the other me’s plan. It’s way too complicated. A _much_ better plan is for _us_ to travel to 2019. You know exactly what’s going to happen, so we can easily stop this mess from happening to us in the first place.”

“Hm,” Andrew thought about it for a moment. “Well, that’s actually-”

“That’s not bad, right?”

“Yeah, but what about Doc? I mean the other you?” 

“That’s not me,” Anil shook his head. “That’s a photocopy that got botched in the time jump. Besides, it’s too late for him anyway.”

“Too late?” Andrew asked, concerned.

Anil scratched his neck “Paradox psychosis? The best thing we can do is put him out of his misery, I reckon severing the carotid artery would work. Or I suppose severing the spinal cord, but I don't think we have the time for that.”

“What?!” Andrew was shocked. “You’re...you want to kill him?”

“You’re thinking about this all wrong, we’re not killing anybody!” Anil shook his head. “Look at me - I am him, and I will still be alive. All we are doing is getting rid of a mutant doppelganger, amputating a vestigial nipple if you will.” Anil bent down to grab his briefcases, and was headed out the door when Andrew grabbed his arm.

“Wait,” Andrew said. “Are you sure _you_ don’t have paradox psychosis?”

“I’ve never felt better in my life,” Anil said calmly, though his words did not put Andrew at ease.

Andrew followed Anil back into the pub, where Doc was still waiting at the table. “Are we good?” He asked.

“We’re good!” Andrew smiled falsely.

“You have a deal,” Anil said coolly. “We have to hurry.”

Doc stood up. “Why are you so anxious to get going all of a sudden?” He asked suspiciously.

“Relax,” Anil said calmly. “You’re getting paranoid.” 

“Oh, am I?” Doc shot back, as both men proceeded to fart.

“Okay! Let’s roll!” Andrew said, a little bit too cheerful for the situation. If he was being honest with himself, both men seemed on edge, but he was too close to getting home to worry about it.

* * *

“All right, just relax until I finish the job,” Anil whispered as they crossed a bridge to Anil’s job location. “Then we’ll get the time math I need and I’ll eliminate the other me.” 

“I just wish there was another way,” Andrew sighed.

“There isn’t,” Anil hissed. “Look at him.” 

Doc trailed behind the pair, insulting most of the other bystanders. “What are you looking at?” He sneered at one of them.

“Look,” Anil urged.

“You see something funny?” Doc snapped. 

“Worst case of paradox psychosis I’ve ever encountered.” Anil justified. “What’s wrong?” He asked Andrew, frowning.

“Well, I...feel bad for him, you know?” Andrew glanced back again.

“Mind your business!” Doc yelled behind him. “Or I’ll give you something to stare at!”

Andrew hesitated. “He’s just a...little guy.”

“Everybody’s a little guy to you.” Anil scoffed. “You look like King Kong and a Leprechaun had a baby.” He sighed. “Andrew, I simply don’t have the time for you to fail here. Can I count on you to keep him under control?”

Andrew sighed. “I’ll do my best, yeah.”

“All right.” Anil nodded, continuing to walk ahead while Andrew waited for Doc to catch up.

“Heya, Doc. How you doing?” Andrew asked Doc cheerfully.

“He’s going to kill me, isn’t he?” Doc cut right to the chase.

“What?” Andrew scoffed. “What, him? He’s going to kill you?” He forced out a laugh. “Yeah, right. That’s bloody ridiculous.”

Doc glared at him. “You know, you’re a terrible liar, Andrew. You’re a worse liar than you are a spotter.”

“Okay, whose fault is that?” Andrew snapped. “What good is having a spotter if you won’t even listen to him?”

“So you admit you’re conspiring against me?”

“Do you admit that you’re suffering from paradox psychosis?” Andrew shot back.

“All I’m suffering from is bracing clarity about you and your murderous intentions, Andrew.” Doc snapped, scratching his chest.

“Look, it’s not like he’s going to ‘kill you’ kill you. He just wants to kill a...version of you!” Andrew justified before walking away.

Doc stood there for a moment. “But I am that version of me!” He quickly followed Andrew and caught up to him.

“Hey, I don’t like it either, but he’s actually got a pretty good plan.” Andrew shrugged.

“What, the one where you kill me and then jump to 2019 to stop this from happening?” Doc sneered.

“Yeah,” Andrew agreed. “Wait, how did you know that?”

“Because I’m him, and that is _exactly_ what I would do if I were trying to kill me!”

“Okay, all I know is that we have one Doc too many and you’re the one acting like a maniac,” Andrew hissed at Doc.

“Maniac?!” Doc asked, insulted. “Oh Andrew, you have seen nothing. If you want a maniac, I will show you a maniac!”

Andrew took a deep breath. “Okay, as your spotter, I think the best thing I can do for you right now is put you out of your misery.”

“Okay, Andrew, listen,” Doc pulled him aside. “I know your mind only responds to age and authority, so listen _very_ closely. Yet again, you are experiencing daddy issues,” Doc explained, tapping Andrew’s chest, “This time with me which is honestly making me a bit crazy,” he added, scratching his chest awkwardly. “But remember this-- I’m three weeks older than him! _I_ have seniority here, so it is me you should be listening to here, Andrew,” Doc justified. “I’m the daddy here!” He shouted.

Andrew chuckled nervously, looking at the other bystanders. “How’s it going?” He said casually to one of them before turning back to Doc. “Doc, please, you’re being unseemly. Look at you!”

Doc winced. “I admit there is a possibility that I may not be in my fully...right mind right now.”

“Okay, good.”

“But whatever I’ve got, _he’s_ got it too!” 

“What?”

“We’re here,” Anil announced, placing his briefcases on the ground and leaning over to unpack the main one. As he stood back up, he farted.

“Flatulence. Stage four,” Andrew said, it all starting to click for him.

“See?” Doc said smugly. “What’s your plan now?” He asked, farting. “That was just lunch, all right? Shut up.” He added before Andrew could say anything else.

* * *

Time seemed to move slower. Andrew and Doc watched Anil prepare for his job by assembling a rifle, all in silence in the parking lot they stood in. “Look, the briefcase,” Doc whispered to Andrew after a while.

Andrew shook his head. “No, don’t. You won’t be able to get there in time.” He whispered back.

“Of course I will. This is our only chance.”

Andrew didn’t believe him. “Hey, uh, just remind me...what was the final stage of paradox psychosis again?” Andrew asked.

“Homicidal rage.”

“Right,” Andrew smiled, then it hit him. “That’s...great…” He saw Doc start to move. “Doc, listen to me. I…” He sputtered. “No. No!”

Unfortunately, as Doc approached, Anil could see him through the viewfinder of his rifle. Both men jumped through space at the same time, effectively switching spaces.

“Shit,” Andrew cursed.

“Bad idea you bastard!” Anil snapped, cocking the rifle at Doc.

Andrew grabbed the rifle from Anil. “Stop it, all right! The _both_ of you. Pull it together! Everyone, let’s just take a deep breath…” Andrew suggested. He easily took one in and exhaled, but both Anil and Doc’s were shaky. “Now we’re all friends here, okay? So can we just try to get along for a few more minutes?”

Doc looked at Anil. “You want it?”

“Go ahead,” Anil shrugged.

“What’s that?” Andrew asked right before Doc kicked him in the groin. “Shit!” He cursed, bending over.

“Now, where were we?” Doc asked.

Both Doc and Anil attacked each other, spatial jumping around where Andrew was standing. It was almost too fast for Andrew to see, but he was sure they both had somehow acquired knives. As soon as one made any sort of contact with the other, they would both jump to another location. It took Andrew a moment to move past the pain and stand up more.

“Would you please-” Andrew was cut off by both Doc and Anil kicking him in the groin simultaneously before attacking each other once more. “I’m getting really sick of this!” He snapped at them. Of course, neither man listened.

After a while, they both stopped to take a breath. “Tired yet?” Anil taunted.

“I can do this all day.” Doc snapped.

“Guys, this has to stop.” Andrew pleaded, but both Doc and Anil flipped him off instead. The two tried to attack each other again but were repelled by their own powers, sending them both on their backs.

Andrew took this opportunity to grab the rifle, pointing it at both of them. “Hey! I’m done listening to you both. _I’m_ in charge now.” He snapped.

“No, Andrew! Shoot him!” Doc shouted.

“No, Andrew! Shoot him!” Anil shouted at the same time.

They continued to shout to shoot the other one, with Andrew moving the rifle back and forth between both Doc and Anil. Eventually, Andrew hesitated, the rifle pointing at Doc.

“Now, Andrew!” Anil ordered.

“Andrew…” Doc said carefully, looking cautiously at Andrew.

“I’m sorry, Doc,” Andrew said, slowly readying the rifle. He looked like he was just about to shoot Doc when he turned quickly and slammed the end of the rifle into Anil’s head, sending him to the ground. “Open the portal - now!” He told Doc.

Doc’s hands turned blue as he concentrated. The portal opened and grew wider, almost creating a vortex. Wind started to blow around the group as the portal grew more stable. Andrew noticed Anil start to move and pointed the rifle at him. “Don’t even think about it. Into the portal.”

“Give me the math!” Anil pleaded. “So I don’t have to look like Prince Ali over here.”  
  
“Stand next to the vortex and I’ll tell you,” Doc said smugly.

Anil walked towards the portal cautiously. “This is close enough, now give it to me!”

Andrew nodded at Doc. “It was a typo.” Doc explained.

“Typo?” Anil asked.

“We put the decimal in the wrong spot in our proof of the existence of a bound for the number of limit cycles of planar polynomial vector fields of fixed degree,” Anil explained. “We wrote down five point seven, but it should be-”

Anil grinned, knowing the answer. “Zero point-” He screamed as Andrew, who had moved behind him, pushed him into the vortex.

“I wasn’t going to wait all day for you.” Andrew sighed as Doc closed the portal.

“Were you going to kill me?” Doc asked, leaning over, breathing heavily.

Andrew shrugged. “Does it make a difference? You’re alive now.”

Doc sighed. “Fair enough, I suppose.”

Andrew nodded, turning back to see the briefcase they had worked so hard for. “C’mon, Doc. Let’s go home.”

  
  



End file.
